❤ Myself & all those who stood by me!...

Monday, December 31, 2007;

woohoo... have been living in denial.

self pity is like a drug... once u get addicted... u get screwed like reality.

self pity comes from ego... whether big or small. it's like a virus... it'll just eat u up till u die.

Seriously life is at it's deepest pits now... Thanks Murphy for you Law.

My relationship wif Mum is not good either. i wonder why? Maybe i'm just to protective.
Not the time to be magnanimous, time to cover ur own ass...

Gotta
change my self pitiful, useless and delusional self... cos no one aint
gonna help me! We always think to ourselves that we given more than
others... blinded by this we fail to see wad others have done. But one
may have to be realistic...

Get on wif life. Just gotta push it urself then. Wait till the time comes then we'll see? Game on.

Reuben> Jebsen asked for golf this coming week, good timing too... gonna let the balls feel my wrath. Time to put my irons to good use. Missing the Young Brudders days. Well both of u have committments now... this all seems so Dejavu couple years back ya? lol

Lovefree 2:07:00 AM

Saturday, December 29, 2007;

This was translated and performed by my very good fren, Reuben Wong. Taken from the movie "200 Pounds Beauty - 별 星 Byul"

And he describes perfectly how i'm feeling now.

everytime i see this... it just means alot to me... past and present. Thanks dude for making it so real

Lovefree 7:47:00 PM

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"

All your bags are packed, you're ready to go
Standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake me up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause you're leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when you'll be back again
Oh, baby, I hate to see you go

I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've been a clown
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When you come back I'll hope to wear our ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause you're leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when you'll be back again
Oh, baby, I hate to see you go

Now the time has come to leave
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close my eyes and you'll be on your way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to live alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause you're leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when you'll be back again
Oh, baby, I hate to see you go... away

Lovefree 7:19:00 PM

sick... both figuratively and actual. i can feel it. gonna 'huat sio' soon. partially cos of my slping habits lately and eating patterns too i guess. really no appetite to eat la. but have to eat if not my mum would think im turning aneroxic.

every meal is a burden... i see the food but i just can't eat... forcing myself to eat them... yah tht make sme sick too i guess.

maybe it's good thing too. once i'm sick. can't really do or think much...just sleep. lol.

why do i feel my life's like a korean drama right now? at least let me be one of those shuai ones hor. looking myself in the mirror... nearly choked on the panadol i'm taking.

ok gg off for now. will blog when my heads filled with tots again.

Lovefree 6:50:00 PM

lol... it's 4.16am

been rolling in bed for nearly 2hrs le... just can't get to slp these few days. should i go buy slping pills? think i should try. do feel tired but just can't slp.

2008 is a couple of days ahead... time flies.

not looking forward to 2008. It's not gonna start well anyway.

ok im stuck... i dunno wad to write le. thou there are so many things which i can't express in words.

i'm just living by the moment now.

ok bah. shall end here... really nuthing coming to mind.

sry for the boring post... can't believe i took 10 mins to write sumthing so short.

Lovefree 4:24:00 AM

Thursday, December 27, 2007;

just showered... but hor...my wisdom tooth now super pain... and i accidentally bit my tounge. =(

haha... today fun fun. met reuben and 2 other magicians at one of our friends cafe in city hall... then we just sat down and tok. mainly magic stuff... after awhile, the ppl in there surely but slowly began to be interested in wad we were up to. haha. even the staff lor. so funny.

inevitably, one by one they asked us to perform tricks for them. i was the first. dunno why also. but i was super super rusty. at least 1/2 a year never touch cards le. but somehow i did manage to pull it off. my classic biddle trick. the guy was suprised. and that was a nice feeling... esp so long havent done anything. i was nervous too la. slowy we all broke the ice and started doing more tricks for the staff and such... so funny they keep asking us how it was done. but we keep trying to smoke and suan them...

"How did u do that?!? teach me teach me!" exclaimed one staff

my reply? "like that lor." LOL

but the most satisfying trick was stigmata on this 2 elderly american couple. they were totally blown away... even the staff ppl were stunned... i mean really stunned. lol

sweet sweet feeling... think i should pick up on my magic soon.

feeling better le. thanks for all the ppl who were concerned. no worries k?

things will be fine =) cheers man ppl! muahaha

well back to tooth pain pain =( ouch

Lovefree 11:26:00 PM

Tuesday, December 25, 2007;

firstly i'm sorry for those reading cos i'm just feeling so fucked up right now. i'm totally lost in me. the best place for me to be now is not in this world.

didn't sleep at all last night... and no i wasn't waiting for santa claus to come and give me my present. even if i was, santa would not be able to give me wad i want... who as a matter of fact. it's just too one sided isn't it. was i being 'da fang' for doing wad i did? or maybe i'm just subcumming to my own fate. maybe there's more to it then FAT me... wad hurts me the most maybe isnt hearing the blatant truth... but not knowing the real truth... maybe there are some things which i dun know... cos it doesn't concern me.

this really seems like dejavu ya... 1 year back... exactly on this day... the very first mention of breaking up... why? u know the reason... except it wasnt coming from you... u fought hard, refusing to believe... 1 year later... the very same reason is back to haunt me... but this time it hurts the most.

i'm amazed at the activity of my black which would give audrey hepburn a run for their money... pardon the crapiness

i've totally lost all feelings... temporal or permanent? time will tell. crying alone isn's fun. especially the angst of the heart pain when no one is around. maybe my tears are all used up...

the biggest and hardest thing i've been working for... appreciated ppl say... BULLSHIT! life's a BITCH... and one that crawls over ur head to shit upon.

i just wanna disappear right now. from everyone and everything... pls pls who can. even David Copperfield can't help me on this.

ok back to helping my mum pack the store room... amazed today i had the appetite to eat even half a bowl of porridge... PAUL u shouldn't be eating a single damn thing... u have to lose those FUCKING fats...

Lovefree 3:49:00 PM

no words can describe how i'm feeling now... the best i can say is the same feeling i had when my dad pass away.

IT'S OVER!!! Dear wants out...

I HATE MYSELF... I HATE BEING FAT... I HATE EATING SO MUCH... I HATE BEING INCAPABLE... WELL DONE PAUL... WINNER OF SUPER FUCKING SCREWED UP ASS FOR 2007. WHAT A WAY TO END THE YEAR... ON XMAS DAY... SUPER GOOD PRESENT RIGHT!

FUCK ME LA. DELUSIONAL SELF CENTRED BASTARD.

SIGNING OFF... NO POINT RANTING. GOING TO KNOCK MYSELF OUT. ANYONE CALL TO CHECK IF IM STILL ALIVE.

THAT'S IF ANYONE STILL CARES

Lovefree 7:44:00 AM

Merry Xmas...

and a whole load of bull...

WTF

FTW

2007 coming to an end... partially thankful, but most of it... too many things happened. impt things. want to forget but deeply etched in my heart.

ya ya...useless ku niang person i am... why? cos im me... im being truthfl at least.

2008? We'll see

Miss you Dad... real lots.... wished you are still here. I'm sorry for my incapabilities during this trying time.

Lovefree 4:16:00 AM

Monday, December 17, 2007;

Been stoning in front of the comp for awhile now... my mind's really a blank right now. No one can know how I'm feeling right now. Even I am unable to describe.

Today's a special day... 365 days since I've gotten tog wif dear dear... Time really flies. Everyone wants to remember the good times and forget the bad ones. And I always practice that. It's always the good that keeps us going, keeps us hoping, keeps us strong.

Met dear at city hall at bout 1230 like tht... supposed to go church but in the end didnt. =X Had MOS Burger for lunch - this was our first makan place tog 1 year back. Still rem dear 'kope' my food. Dear wrote me this pink color handmade card with a cute door and disclaimers about her drawing ability. lol. I was so touched by the words and it really meant alot to me. I got dear this cute winne the pooh bowl which im sure she really likes.

Aft lunch we jetted off to Cathay to buy movie tics. We decided to watch the comedy Good Luck Chuck. We had some time b4 the show so we decided to tuang at Minds Cafe for 2Hrs. Played some games which i won thn dear keep saying I play cheat.

Headed for Cathay around 5pm. The show was R21 and was quite funny. It's about Relationships, which is the core of this post actually. Jessica Alba was nicknamed Murphy aft Murphy's Law... Seems like I have to call myself Murphy from now on. I always have this feeling aft watching relationship shows. Although i might not agree wif them totally, I still feel glad tht these shows do apply to our own real life relationship sometimes. I always feel glad tht I'm blessed to have dear aft all these shows. Today was no different.

After the show met Jerry who happened to call me at Minds again... He was with his new stead. =) Twice in a day. LOL. Played games and munch on stuff again. It was enjoyable.

Aft Minds we went our seperate ways and dear suggested we head home le. Dear didnt want me to send her home so i reluctantly got off the train. She said she wanted to be alone. =( I guess as I'm typing this... dear is still outside and not back yet. Just feeling worried and concerned now.

I not going to defend myself here or anything. Like I've said I'm sorry for the hurts and disappointment... but i know I'm trying although it might seem I'm not. It's my bad tht I wasnt able to keep those promises but it wasnt deliberate. It doesn't mean tht I might not be able to meet your expectaions means I dun love you. Love is more than tht. It's a feeling tht cannot be fanthom and to me i know i truly love you no matter wad. You might say or see the things I did not do but the things i did, i did them becos of you.

I just dunno wad to say as you ask me to leave you alone cos i really can't do tht. And you know it.

Dear pls know my feelings for you are real, although I might not play the part... It's always the likes of ones shortcomigns which brings out the true love for another. It's like Charlie in the show. Being afraid of losing the one he loves forever, he just becomes crazy and do stuff tht might render freaky to the one he loves... Just know i feel tht very same way... Pls accept the pebble I wanna give you.

I gotta get back on track in life now... hafta get some income soon. This I hafta do to show tht I mean to provide. Maybe I've been idling too long, due to my very own inertia. Pls believe in me and tht I can do it. Becos I'm doing all these for you, my dear.

I'm sorry once again... Pls forgive me. Never apart. Love you always, Sunshine bear.

Lovefree 12:40:00 AM